Rita Skeeter's Advice Page
by Yorumi
Summary: Because of Hermione Rita had to look for a new job and she found it! Agony Aunt! PreOotP
1. Part I

_Disclaimer:_ The characters used in this parody belong to J. K. Rowling, Warner Bros. and various publishers.

_Author's Notes:_ I decided to re-upload this parody to eliminate some errors and grammar mistakes. This basically is a parody on the advice pages in teenager magazines (that never help) and bad, clichéd HP-fanfiction. Prepare yourself for a lot of sarcasm and read the parody. 

  


~* _Rita Skeeter's Advice Page_ *~

*

_Do you have any problems that you can't talk about with anyone?  
Don't worry, you're not alone.  
Rita Skeeter gives you her advice!_

*

**I don't get as much attention as I deserve!**

_I am one of seven children. Three of my brothers have already graduated from Hogwarts and they all had good marks - two even were Head Boys. Then there are my twin brothers who only have been making mischief. I have one sister, too. Just because she's the only girl in the family she gets all the attention. And now I'm at my problem: I don't get enough attention! Even my friends get more of it than me! It's not fair. I even already thought of killing myself. I'm so helpless! Can you give me an advice?_

~ Ronald Weasley, 15

Rita says: Killing yourself would be a good way to get attention. But I think robbing Gringotts would have a much better effect since then you'll be able to enjoy the attention you will get then. You could also murder your friends or burn down Hogwarts. Another way would be to get rid of your siblings, so that you are the only one to who your parents can pay their attention.  
It is all your decision what you do; you don't need to follow my suggestions. There are so many ways to get attention. (If you succeeded in getting some, let me know.)

**My boyfriend cheated on me!**

_Draco was my boyfriend for three years now. Just yesterday I found out that he cheated on me with a mudblood! A Slytherin cheated me, the hottest girl in school with the purest blood of all, with a goddamn Gryffindor-mudblood!!!  
I broke up with him but I still love him and can't live without him. I don't know what to do. Help me! (Either that or I'll curse you!)_

~ Pansy Parkinson, 14 and 6 months

Rita says: If I were you, I would try to win him back by using my female weapons (beauty, humour, charm...).  
Or have you already tried a love potion? There are some good recipes in the restricted section in the library of Hogwarts in a book called 'Most Potent Potions' but I don't think it would be a problem for a smart girl like you to get it.  
You could also write a letter to him, which says, that you'll kill yourself, just because he left you for her. If he is a sensitive boy he will come and 'prevent you' from doing it.  
The last way would be to kill that mudblood.

**Who should I choose?**

_My problem is that I have two men who love me.  
The first one is Severus Snape, the potion master at Hogwarts, and the second one is Albus Dumbledore.  
Severus is 50 years younger than me and it's his dark past that's so fascinating and if he would wash his hair more often he would look so sexy.  
Albus is 70 years older than me and so brave, clever and wise. They say, that I have to decide with who of them I want to share the rest of my life with.  
I know that Albus doesn't have many years of life left, but I don't want to hurt Severus.  
Please, I need your help!_

~ Minerva McGonagall, 86

Rita says: Flip a coin, was the first thing I thought when I read your letter.  
But now I say: choose Severus! If you are lucky, it gives Albus a heart attack and then you will never, ever have to worry again, if you made the right decision and you can't change your mind again because there is only one possibility left.  
One further advantage of choosing Severus is that you don't have to think about if you will ever see him dying (meaning of natural causes). He will just see you dying (meaning of natural causes).  
You said, Severus is the potions master. That's an advantage, too. You have to follow all instructions given if you make a potion and you have to clean your cauldron after, etc. ... after your finished. So Severus is a better choice for doing the housework, because he has better experience with cleaning.

_Do you have a problem too, which you can't solve alone? Owl Rita and ask her for advice!_

~*~

_2. Author's Note:_ For everyone who wants to read this parody in another language there are a French and a German edition of it. The French version was translated by Lindoriae and published here under the name of 'Les Conseils de Rita Skeeter' (FF. Net Story ID: 1757922). The German version is listed as 'Ritas Ratschlag' (FF. Net Story ID: 1424063) on the account of Chidori Satou. 


	2. Part II

_Disclaimer:_ The characters used in this parody belong to J. K. Rowling, Warner Bros. and various publishers.

_Author's Notes:_ Special thanks go to Dasani Black who gave me the idea for the Marauders' problem. Without that I wouldn't have known where to start this chapter off. 

  


~* _Rita Skeeter's Advice Page_ *~

*

_Do you have any problems that you can't talk about with anyone?  
Don't worry, you're not alone.  
Rita Skeeter gives you her advice!_

*

**My owner doesn't treat me good enough!**

_I am Hedwig, the owl. Let me tell you my problem.  
I always delivered the letters that were entrusted to me and that pretty fast.  
All I want to have for that is a little respect and food and sleep. But always when I come back to my owner he shouts at me. And I don't get enough food. Hey, I mean, I fly hundreds of miles for him and he doesn't feed me! That's unfair!  
He just has to go down to the kitchen when he is hungry, but he forgets that I'm an owl! Owls can't plunder the refrigerator when they're hungry (I don't like mice, so I don't hunt them)! Oh... wait... but owls can't write too, can they? But how did I write this letter then? Aaaarrrgh!!!_

~ Hedwig (owl), age unknown

Rita says: Maybe you're a psychopathic human being? Tell me you're address - I have to write an article about you! Title: My life as an owl!  
Now to your problem: Bring your owner a howler that tells him he should give you more food.  
Then visit a psychiatrist because of the 'I-don't-like-mice-and-can-write-although-I-am-an-owl' thing. I have the address of a very good one right here that I'll send to you.  
If your owner doesn't react, try to kill him or leave him and search for a new one.

**Nobody believes me!**

_I'm the divination teacher at Hogwarts and my problem is that nobody believes in my predictions. (You have to know that I'm a real seer.) They are always true, so I don't understand why they don't listen to me.  
Another thing is that many of my pupils have the power to become seers but not even one of them became one. I never taught them the wrong things.  
Help me, I'm totally desperate. (I saw in the crystal ball that you will answer my letter. So, do it. Now. At once.)_

~ Sybill Trelawney, 67

Rita says: Could you tell me when I will get my next pay rise? And why didn't you search for an answer in your crystal ball? But I shouldn't moan - I should be glad that someone is owling me!  
So, nobody believes in your predictions? Next time tell the person who laughs at you, that he or she will die within 48 hours and murder him or her then. Bet everyone will believe you then?  
I don't think you taught your students the wrong things, too, but maybe - MAYBE - your students don't have the gift? It was just an idea... a very stupid one, when I think of it now...  
Well, that's what I say and don't forget about the pay rise!

**We think our teachers are aliens!**

_It all started this Monday. We played some little tricks on the teachers and we got detention for it. Ok, that's not so unusual. BUT we only got six, when we usually get seven.  
The only explanation we could think of is that all of our teachers are possessed by aliens! We believe that because normally they explode at every little joke.  
And Professor Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall are acting very strange when they're together, and think that nobody's seeing them. What shall we do?_

~ Sirius Black, James Potter, Lily Evans, Remus Lupin, Peter Pettigrew, 12

Rita says: After I've read your letter I'm completely convinced, that aliens do exist.  
Here is a plan what I would do, if I were you:

1. Lock the teacher-aliens all up in a room.  
2. Bring the other students out.  
3. Inform the ministry.  
4. Place a bomb in front of the door of the room, in which you locked up the teachers.  
5. Run for your lives.  
6. Wait what happens further.

You also could just inform the ministry and let them solve the problem but if you do it on your own you'll be much more famous. Just imagine: You saved the lives of thousand students!

Good luck! You'll need it.

_Do you have a problem too, which you can't solve alone? Owl Rita and ask her for advice!_

~*~


	3. Part III

_Disclaimer:_ The characters used in this parody belong to J. K. Rowling, Warner Bros. and various publishers.

  


~* _Rita Skeeter's Advice Page_ *~

~*~

_Do you have any problems which you can't talk about with anyone?  
Don't worry, you're not alone.  
Rita Skeeter gives you her advice._

*

**I want my Mummy!**

_My Mummy died giving birth to me. I spent my life in a Muggle-orphanage till I was eleven. Then I went Hogwarts. There I discovered that I was the descendant of the great Salazar Slytherin. I decided to follow in his footsteps and became evil. All right, so I got followers, killed and tortured some people, no big deal. It was just yesterday that I realised something was missing in my life. I thought and thought and thought some more and then it hit me: I MISS MY MUMMY! Yes, I know, I've only seen her once in my entire live but she is still my mummy. I want her back!_

~ Lord Voldemort (aka The Dark Lord aka You-Know-Who aka He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named aka Lord Thingy), 42

Rita says: Wow, Lord Voldemort himself is asking me for advice! This is so uplifting! Lovely!  
Anyway... you know there is no way to bring people back from death. But who said you couldn't do it the other way round? So, commit suicide! Even if you will have hard time doing so, seeing you're immortal and all, but when you succeed you will go straight to heaven, I'm sure. Although I'm going to miss you. You and your Death Eaters always gave me a lot of ideas for my articles. So, don't forget about me, and say hello to your mummy for me, ok? Oh my, this is so sad, I think I need some tissues.

**My nail varnish doesn't go with my lipstick!**

_Last weekend we were allowed to go visit Hogsmeade. I and my friend Lavender went to a store were we usually buy all of our make up. Just two days before I had run out of nail varnish and I couldn't borrow some from Lavender because she only has blue shades while I need red. So, we were in the shop and Lavender had already picked a nail varnish, but I was still looking for my favourite colour - Apple Red, that is, but they didn't have any of it. So I took a nail varnish that was a bit lighter. And now it doesn't go with the colour of my lipstick! This is a catastrophe!_

~ Parvati Patil, 15

Rita says: You probably could convince Madam Pomfrey to let you stay in the hospital wing long enough till your friend or your Mum manages to get you a bottle of your nail varnish. Not only would nobody mind your unmanicured nails then, you'd also miss lessons and be pitied by the others - it's fun, it's relaxing.  
And this shop owner! You should hex him - next time he'll know better then not selling your nail varnish. Because he knew perfectly well that you always buy that colour, and he should have some in stock for you! It's not an unreasonable demand that he should think ahead, is it? After all, the customer is always right!

**I am not gay!**

_I broke up with my girlfriend Pansy some weeks ago because I had began dating an other person. I refuse to tell you who it is because if my father reads this he will be as mad as hell and disown me.  
After I broke up with Pansy she began spreading the rumour that I'm gay - which just isn't true. Now everyone avoids me as if I've got smallpox. Except for some girls who are into a Muggle thing called 'Anime' and desperately want to see me making out with my arch-nemesis Harry Potter because the think it'd be 'cute'. Apart from that my reputation to not mess with me has gone down the drain._

~ Draco Malfoy, 15

Rita says: Don't worry, it is common knowledge that rumours only last for a hundred days. So you've only got ninety-seven days ahead of you from today on...  
If that's too long for you, you could also put 'I'm not gay!' on a T-shirt and walk around with it for a week. I'm not sure if people would take you seriously, but it's worth a try. If you don't want to wait that long try to transfer a different school. Or leave the country. Or kiss a girl in front of the whole school. Not to forget hexing the next one who calls you gay into oblivion. That way you would also regain your gone-by reputation.  
If nothing of that appeals to you, you still have the option to become bisexual and actually start a relationship with Harry Potter. He's really nice looking. Especially from behind.

*

_Do you have a problem too, which you can't solve alone? Owl Rita and ask her for advice!_

~*~

_Author's Note:_ Before you yell at me because of how the last problem is treated, hear me out. One more time: _this is a parody_. It is not meant to be taken seriously. It is meant to drag various fandom-cliches and bad fanfictions through the mud. A lot of badly written slash stories with Draco exist. Just because I make fun of that fact _does not_ mean I'm against homosexual relationships.

Thanks for listening. 


	4. Part IV

_Disclaimer:_ The characters used in this parody belong to J. K. Rowling, Warner Bros. and various publishers.

_Author's Notes:_ Here's the last part of 'Rita Skeeter's Advice Page'! Biscuits and milkshakes all around! Thanks to all those who reviewed and special thanks to dasani Black and my friend Clarissa for giving me inspiration for problems!   
  


oOo

_Rita Skeeter's Advice Page_

_Do you have any problems which you can't talk about with anyone?  
Don't worry, you're not alone.  
Rita Skeeter gives you her advice._

oOo

**My hair is so greasy!**

_I am the Potions Master at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Therefore I'm almost ashamed of admitting my problem, because people will say I should have found the solution on my own. Well, my hair is just so _greasy_. It's really disgusting. I tried about fifty different potions to get it right but no one did work.  
And the worst part of the whole affair is, that just about every woman I have met so far thinks my hair looks so good and ignores its greasiness. Even my nose, teeth, pale skin and the fact that I like to sneer at them doesn't put them off. I really don't know what they see in me - to me it seems that they are all blind! _

Severus Snape, 37 

Rita says: From the way you describe yourself, I get the feeling that you are not an attractive man at all. Greasy hair, crooked nose and yellow teeth are a definite _No_ in my book and if you look at it this way, then you should be glad, that there are women who are after you at all.  
However, it might work if try to wear bright pink robes - at the very least it will threw them off. Or maybe you should just kill one of the women and let her serve as an example for all the others. Or you could just use Imperius on them and order them to leave you alone.  
For the problems with you hair it might be worth to have a good look at muggle shampoos. At least they smell nicer than some potions do. Another way would be to either shave all your hairs off or wear a wig. If you wear a blond, curly wig then even the most stable woman will give up on you - that way you could kill two birds with one stone. 

**I have no friends!**

_There is nobody in Hogwarts who wants to be my friend. Sometimes Harry, Ron and Hermione talk to me or help me with my homework but they are not really my friends. Even my own toad despises me as it keeps running, or better: hopping, away from me.  
And I am quite sure the teachers all hate me. I do not do well in class and Professor Snape never misses a possibility to make a fool of me. If he wouldn't just love it so much I could do much better in potions, which I prove in my O.W.L.s! _

Neville Longbottom, 15 

Rita says: Okay, boy, first of all: kill your toad. If it doesn't like you, what is the point of keeping it?  
Next thing you should learn the Imperius curse and command everyone to be your friend. Do not let the fact that it will slowly drive them insane get in your way. Should anyone ever break free from the curse kill him or her. The Ministry of Magic does not need to know that you are using the Imperius. Should they ever find out just use it on them as well. You might have some trouble with the aurors, though, so just try to use Avada Kedavra then.  
After that you should try to get the teachers under Imperius, too. Then there will be nothing left in your way to become popular, top student, head boy and Quidditch Captain. Voldemort himself might even offer you a position. Doesn't that just sound wonderful? 

**I'm afraid my grades will go down!**

_Just a few weeks ago I got a boyfriend. He is really cute and he loves me and I love him, too. It's the perfect relationship of whom I've always dreamed.  
However, there is one downside. He prevents me from learning for classes. Because of this my grades will go down and then I will not score high on the O.W.L.s and the N.E.W.T.s and then my report will be horrible and then I will not be able to get a decent job, which results in me living on the streets. Horrible!  
Now I don't know what I should do. Should I go for school and become ultimately rich or should I go for love and spend my live on the streets and fight with the alley cats over my dinner? Hermione Granger, 15_

Rita says: You know... that is not really a hard decision to make. Go for the money! After all it can not betray you or hurt your feelings.  
A human being can very well do these things. And who says he really loves you? He could as well just be toying with you. In that case you ought to kill him, by the way. Avada Kedavra should do the trick.  
See what I mean when I say money is your only true friend? And when you are rich, then don't forget to rub it in the face of your former lover, telling him you would have never achieved this if you were married to him.

oOo

Do you have a problem too, which you can't solve alone? Owl Rita and ask her for advice!

oOo 


End file.
